Sometimes the sharpest truths about conflict don’t come from textbooks or theories—they come from the lived experience and wisdom of people dealing with everyday challenges.
This week, I had the privilege of observing a 4-hour Conflict Crash Course hosted by my local Dispute Resolution Center (Thurston County, Olympia, WA). The spontaneous insights in these quotes from the students and trainers were too good to miss.
"Make your mouth come into alignment with your brain before you speak." Conflict management begins with self-control—a pause, a breath, a moment to think.
🔍 "Curiosity
before judgment." Once
we’re calm enough to listen, curiosity opens the door that judgment keeps shut.
👓 "Our awareness of others comes from our thoughts, emotions, and physical responses." Noticing what’s happening in us is how we begin to understand what’s happening between us.
⚡ "Conflicts
are a catalyst sparking emotional reactions." That spark isn’t the problem—it’s
energy. It signals an unmet need. The real question is whether it ignites
understanding or escalation.
🐢 "I can’t hear as fast as you can talk." Slow it down. Understanding travels at the speed of listening, not talking.
🤗 "Do you
need to be heard, hugged, or helped?" Empathy isn’t about solving everything at once—it’s
about noticing what’s needed in the moment. Sometimes acknowledgement is enough
to create the opening for repair.
💡 "What I
said was not well thought out. I hope you are open-minded." Repair doesn’t require
perfection—just courage, accountability, and assuming goodwill in each other.
🧑🏼❤️🧑 "How we
relate to others in conflict depends on whether we see them as obstacles or
allies." When
we treat others as obstacles, the conflict deepens. When we treat them as
potential allies, we start building common ground before we tackle the problem.
🌱 “If you are
looking to establish common ground, start with generosity, genuine curiosity,
and shared sense-making.” – Krista Tippett
"Laughter
is the shortest distance between two people." Even in conflict, a shared laugh
bridges divides. Neuroscience confirms it—laughter triggers oxytocin, a bonding
hormone, which softens defensiveness and opens the door to connection.🧩 🧩 "Fractionalizing is how you break it down into manageable chunks." Whether it’s a problem, an
emotion, or a relationship—bite-sized progress works best. Smaller wins
assemble into a workable solution.
My
Takeaway
Watching
these trainers and students reminded me of something simple yet profound:
people already know what constructive conflict looks like. They just need the
space, encouragement, and tools to bring it forward. What’s the consequence of ignoring this
lesson learned?
“If
we don’t work out our stuff, our stuff will work on us.
Conflict handled well isn’t a detour from work—it’s the real work of
cooperation.”
— Michael Fraidenburg
PS - 👉 👉 👉 Want to explore these lessons
for yourself? My local Dispute Resolution Center offers the 4-hour Conflict
Crash Course in-person and remotely. Visit www.mediatethurston.org to learn more.
___________________
Cheers!Mike,Author of:
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