What To Do When Both Sides Are Right But They’re Still Fighting
What To Do When Both Sides Are Right But They’re Still Fighting
A Simple Guide to Balancing Opposites at Work (and in Life)
"Life's toughest choices aren't between right and wrong—they're between right and right. When you find yourself in a tug-of-war where both sides have a point, don't pick a winner; build a better rope to connect them." - Mike
Sometimes we face choices that aren't about right or wrong. They're about two good things that pull in different directions. These situations are called polarities—the presence of opposing yet interdependent perspectives, forces, or values that pull against each other but both have value.
For example:
- Autonomy vs. Collaboration (a Perspective) – People want to make their own choices, but also need to work together.
- Stability vs. Change (a Force) – We like things to stay the same, but we also need to grow and adapt.
- Short-Term vs. Long-Term Thinking (a Value) – We need to solve today’s problems but also plan for the future.
Polarities
aren't problems you can fix once and for all. Instead, they're tensions you
manage. Think of it like balancing on a seesaw. If one side goes too high, the
other drops. The goal is to blend both to create a more optimum solution that
recognizes the truth embodied in each. When we notice and manage polarities
well, we make better choices.
Your job when helping a group
is to notice these opposites, show that both sides have value, and help people
talk about how to achieve a good balance.
Best Practices for Managing Polarities
1. Show That Both Sides Matter
What to Do: Document how each side brings value.
How to Do It: Use fair words that respect both views. Example: "Both keeping things steady and trying new things help us succeed."
2. Look for What Really Matters
What to Do: Ask what deep values or feelings are behind each side.
How to Do It: Ask, "What’s most important to you in this issue?" Then, help the group find big ideas they agree on, like safety or fairness.
3. Use "Both-And" Thinking
What to Do: Help people stop thinking they have to choose just one side.
How to Do It: Draw a simple chart with two parts:
Then look at how to get more of the good and less of the hard parts from each.
4. Watch for Trouble When One Side Dominates
What to Do: Help the group notice when they’re leaning too much one way.
How to Do It: Ask, "What could go wrong if we only focus on speed and forget about quality?"
5. Plan for Balance
What to Do: Come up with steps to keep the balance.
How to Do It: Try scenario planning. That means asking, "What will we do if we go too far toward one side? "or "If we change too quickly and people feel lost, what is the impact?"
6. Keep the Big Goal in Sight
What to Do: Remind people of what they’re trying to achieve together.
How to Do It: Ask, "How does keeping both sides in balance help us reach our goal?"
7. Check In Often
What to Do: Come back later (and regularly if needed) and see how things are going.
How to Do It: Have regular check-ins to ask, "Are we still keeping both sides in mind?"
Polarities are part of life. When we ignore one side, we often cause more problems. But when we learn to hold both sides carefully, we make smarter decisions.
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Michael Fraidenburg
Olympia, WA, USA.
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