How to Diagnose a Conflict

 When conflict occurs, diagnosing it right is your first smart move! Why? Because you can’t solve what you don’t understand.

AND ~~ Here's a free worksheet to use for the next time you need to diagnose a conflict!

https://pxl.to/conflictdiagnosisworksheet

Heads-up: This one’s a longer post.

But it’s packed with tools you can use right away. Feel free to scan the section headers to jump to what matters most for you right now.

Diagnose First, Intervene Second

Being caught in a conflict can feel like navigating through fog. It’s hard to see where to go because emotions run high, competing voices get loud, and the pressure to fix things fast can cloud judgment when clarity matters most.

Whether you're dealing with internal workplace tensions or facing community pushback, the ability to diagnose a conflict correctly is your first step toward resolution.

Diagnosis won’t solve the conflict by itself, but it will direct you to the best path forward.

Slow Down to Speed Up

When conflicts escalate, we often feel an urgency to fix it—now. But reacting too quickly can derail resolution. Slowing down is the fastest way to regain control.

For example, you’re a program manager introducing new regulations. At a town hall, a business rep interrupts repeatedly, accusing your agency of harming small businesses. Your instinct might be to explain your side of the issue or calm the situation. But both reactions skip the critical diagnostic phase and go directly to a potential solution--an explanation or reassurance about your good intentions.

In conflict, emotions narrow perspectives and limit problem-solving ability. Instead of reacting with the first solutions that come to mind, try these steps:

• Ask for time to understand: “I want to fully understand your concerns. Can we schedule a time to talk more in-depth?” or "I need a full understanding, can you tell me more about your concern?"
• Take visible notes: This signals that you’re taking input seriously.
• Acknowledge without escalating or agreeing: “I can see this issue really matters to you.”

Creating this pause not only gives you time to think, it also allows you to shift from reaction to diagnosis, and that actually speeds up resolution.

Setting the Objectives for Your Diagnosis

To diagnose a conflict, focus on three key elements:

• Issues: The topics in dispute—the things they say they don't like.
• Positions: The stances or demands people take on their Issues.
• Interests: The underlying needs or concerns that are the reasons they have taken their positions. Hang on to the term "Interests" as it is the key.

Focusing on positions often leads to deadlock. The goal of diagnosis is to surface the interests that drive those positions. That opens a wider door to solutions everyone can live with.

Diagnostic Tool--The Golden Questions

Three carefully crafted questions—the Golden Questions—consistently open up rich insight in conflict conversations. These questions are designed to surface core concerns, desired outcomes, and unmet needs that often lie just beneath the surface of a person's position or frustration.

1. “What is your greatest concern?” 

This question invites the speaker to surface what matters most to them. It signals that you want to understand their priorities, not just debate positions.

Example: When asked this question, the business representative from above explains that beyond the specifics of a new regulation, they’re concerned that rushed implementation will force them to release substandard products.

Diagnosis: The unmet need is quality control and reputation protection. The deeper concern isn't just logistics or timing—it’s about maintaining their standing with customers and ensuring their products meet professional standards. Quality, in this case, is tied to pride in their work and long-term business viability.

2. “What do you most want to see happen?” 

This open-ended question invites the person to articulate their hopes rather than just their complaints. It shifts the conversation from problems to possibilities. And it shifts the conversation from past-oriented to future-oriented.

Example: Instead of insisting on a delay, the business representative shares that what they really need is time to adapt.

Diagnosis: The unmet need is a manageable transition process. They’re not completely opposed to the change itself—they’re asking for a timeline that respects their capacity to adjust. This reveals potential flexibility and opens the door to a phased rollout to allow compliance without overextending their limited resources.

3. “What do you most want me to understand about your concerns?”  

This question acknowledges that the other party may have felt unheard. It invites them to highlight the heart of the matter in their own words.

Example: The business representative explains that small businesses like theirs operate on thin margins and need predictability to manage cash flow and staffing.

Diagnosis: The unmet need here is predictability and stability. Beneath their stated concern is a deeper anxiety about financial vulnerability and operational risk. They’re asking to be seen not just as stakeholders, but as partners trying to survive in an uncertain environment. Emotionally, they need acknowledgment of that vulnerability; practically, they need systems that reduce volatility.

Putting It All Together. 

These three Golden Questions can help you diagnose the true drivers behind a person’s position. In our example, the answers reveal two core interests:

• Protecting product quality to safeguard business reputation and
• Ensuring financial predictability to maintain operations.

By uncovering these interests, you move the conversation from surface demands to the deeper “why,”—creating space for more durable, interest-based solutions.

 Bonus Tip: Once the conflict is clearer, you can modify the second Golden Question to become a joint problem-solving frame through this rewording:

"What do you most want to see happen that will work for you and the other parties at the same time?" This question gently shifts thinking toward the future and toward accepting a responsibility for making joint proposals that, “…everybody can live with” (i.e., a mutually acceptable solution).

Effective Questioning Techniques 

Beyond the Golden Questions, consider these approaches:

Use open-ended questions. These invite detailed responses rather than closed-ended questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no."

Less effective: "Do you oppose the reporting requirements?"

More effective: "How do you see the reporting requirements affecting your operations?"

Focus on fact-finding questions. These build shared understanding.

Less effective: “What do you see as the problems in our proposed solution?”

More effective: "What specific aspects of the regulation would be most challenging to implement quickly?" or "How have similar regulations that have worked for you been handled in the past?""

Focus on options-creation questions. These encourage creative problem-solving that serves multiple interests simultaneously, moving from single-party solutions to collaborative possibilities. These questions put the burden on each party to think beyond their own immediate interests and generate solutions that acknowledge the legitimate needs of others—creating more buy-in for whatever emerges.

Less effective: "What solution would work best for your business?"

More effective: "What options can you think of that would meet your needs while also satisfying the concerns we've heard from other community members?" or "If you were designing this to work for everyone at the table, what would that look like?"

Questions to Avoid. These entrench positions or trigger defensiveness.

Less effective: "How is your proposal a better solution?”

More effective: "What would you suggest we add to our proposal to make it more workable for everyone?"

Diagnostic Worksheet

Free Worksheet: https://pxl.to/conflictdiagnosisworksheet 

To support your conflict diagnosis, I’ve created a worksheet you can use as a script for leading a diagnosis conversations. This structured approach ensures you capture essential information and can recognize patterns or opportunities that might otherwise be missed. It will help you capture core issues to:

• Show that you understand everyone’s position,
• Uncover the interests behind the positions, and
• Provide insight about possible shared interests. 

Next Steps After Diagnosis

Once you've completed your diagnosis, you'll be equipped to design a constructive conversation that addresses the real issues at stake. Your next steps will likely include:

• Setting up a productive conflict resolution process or conversation,
• Spotting areas of potential common ground,
• Reframe stuck conversations into future-oriented, solution-discovery conversations, and
• Leading the conversations to create an agreement. 

Remember that diagnosis is just the first step, but it's the foundation upon which effective conflict resolution is built. Without proper diagnosis, even well-intentioned efforts can miss the mark. The process may take time, but it's an investment that pays dividends in more sustainable outcomes and preserved relationships.

You Can Do This

Conflict diagnosis is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice. Approaching tough conversations by replacing a rush to solutions with a curious, diagnostic mindset transforms conflicts into opportunities.

And if you’re facing a complex conflict or want help applying these tools, I’m here to support you.

Conflict doesn’t have to derail your work. With the right approach, it can become a turning point for better relationships and smarter solutions.

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